I’m not the type to talk about this stuff…

September 26, 2009

I think the title says a lot here.  I like this blog to be about games, my musings on games, and perhaps…. sometimes…. very rarely…. my outlook on life.  I’m not the type of person who likes to get preachy with others.  But tonight I was dealt this really odd blow.  A blow that is slowly affecting me, but simultaneously not affecting me.  Yes, it’s that confusing.

So, let me start off by saying that I don’t come from a huge town.  Pittsburgh is really my adopted home — my college home.  But I come from a small town in Pennsylvania called Pottsville, PA.  Some of you may know it thanks to Yuenging Beer…. “America’s Oldest Brewery.”

Pottsville, due to it’s small town nature, isn’t on top of things like a larger city is.  Being gay in Pottsville is a big deal.  My former priest was gay, and he almost lost many members of my church’s congregation because he was simply a gay priest.  Of course, people ended up coming to their senses, but that didn’t ease some of the animosity that he suffered from other priests in the area.  And when holy men are getting into the act of disliking one of their own, you can only imagine what some of the rest of the town gets like.

Well, tonight one of my own friends… my old best friend, to be exact… betrayed my trust.  I got a message from him saying, “Sorry, I was bet 50 bucks to write that on your Facebook wall.  You can just delete it.  I don’t mean any harm.”

I logged in to find he had written “FAG!!!” right on my wall.

Sticks and stones right?  Just a harmless little insult, right?  Yeah, that’s how I felt for about 3 hours.  I went out, I had some fun with friends, and then I came back to find that same word right on my computer screen where I had left it.  I began to really think about it, and that’s when I started just feeling uneasy.

I trusted this guy for more than 10 years.  He was my best friend.  He was the first guy to ever, EVER, know that I was transgendered.  That’s not knowledge I entrusted to him lightly at the time.  He knew even before my parents knew.  I think that says a lot.

You guys want to know why he did it?  He did it because someone dared him to write it for 50 bucks.  He pretty much threw away 10 years of our relationship for 50 stinking dollars.

I was told by many, many people to expect this.  I was told by so many individuals that there would be people in my life who would do things to hurt me.  I expected this, to be quite honest.  But, just not from someone like that.  Not from him.

It saddens me… it really does.  I would never do that to someone, ever.  Ever.  Yet, someone has seen fit to do that to me.  It’s one thing when the Aion community does it.  They don’t have a “face” to be exact.  But when your former best friend does it to you… it takes on a whole new light.


  1. I’m confused. Transgender doesn’t have anything to do with sexual interests. I’ve known transsexuals who were interested in the same sex as their identification, otherse who prefered the opposite sex as their identification, and some who were just asexual and avoided all that hassle.

    In the online world, judging from your exploits in Darkfall alone, I can’t imagine any gamer would consider you a “fag” in the sense of being inept or incompetent.

    It has been my experience that most people who run around calling people “fags,” “lez bitches,” etc. in fact have a serious problem lurking their own closet. Perhaps your closest friend has discovering something about himself and picked a really stupid way of trying to communicate it to you?

    • I know it has nothing to do with my sexual interests, and so does he. He did it for the money, plain and simple.

      Perhaps he discovered something about himself. But, knowing him the way I do, it was for the money. Really pathetic when you get to the core of it, especially as he use to be the most stand-up guy I knew.

      But things happened… he changed… and sadly he changed for the worse. I miss my friend, I really do.

  2. All I can say is *hug*.

    • *hugs back*

  3. I think the first person you “come out” to is very similar to a first love. In that fashion they may not deseve that position in your life or heart.
    I can imagine the hurt that you feel once that person falls from that pedestal.

    I see one of two things here. One. He doesn’t understand what a truly hurtful thing it is to betray your trust for cash.
    Two. He just doesn’t really care about your feelings.

    In either case, people just don’t need to expend the energy on people like that.

    Sorry that your realization came in this way.

  4. People seem to think that the harmful things they say on the internet can be brushed off, “Oh I was just playing around!, I didn’t mean it.” In the end they just look like small minded cowards. I am sorry to hear this happened to you especially by someone you were close to.

  5. Sorry to read about this.

    Frankly, your friend should have told off the person who offered the bet. What would possess someone to offer cash to publicly hurt someone else?

    The best punishment I could hope to wish on this person is that o one day he’ll actually come to understand how stupid, hurtful and morally bankrupt he was not to dismiss the bet at once. It’s a lousy 50 bucks. The kind of regret that comes from that realization will be tough and well-deserved.

    I also am not sure exactly why your friend would be hanging out with someone who would even offer that bet.

    This kind of incident would really make me question the quality of this “friendship”… you’re “friend” is someone who would even casually hang out with a person who would be so vile and immature as to offer that kind of bet and even find it funny…

    All in all, truly sorry. People can be really crappy, but they can also be great, but trusting them is the only way to survive, even though that trust is often misplaced and abused.

  6. I’m just going to echo Cuppy on this one, since that was the only thing that went through my head while reading this entry. That and /sigh.

    Hope you’re feeling better, I know how hurt and angry I would have been for days before letting it slide in one way or another. That was totally uncalled for, and I hope your friend (or ex-friend) comes to his senses and realise that.

  7. This saddens me greatly.
    I wont say that this is something which you should just ignore because I personally would be deeply hurt if this happened to me.
    The main thing here is that you are a strong and intelligent individual who has chosen to live their life without deceit or pretence and your erstwhile friend seems to still have some way to go on the evolutionary scale.

    Hopefully he will realise that he betrayed a long term friend here – but if he does not then sad as it may be – at least you now know where he stands

    Stay strong

  8. Hey, Seraphina. I never knew this about you, not even during our time in Matrix Online– even though we never really spoke. Even so, this changes my opinion of you not at all. I’m really sorry to hear that someone, especially such a damned close friend, would do that to you. The fact that he did it for money, well… man, that’s fucking shitty to do. I’m really upset on your behalf right now, even though I’m sure you’re probably above needing anything like that.

    On another unrelated note, I’d asked Ralica to get ahold of you for me, but it seems he never did so. Now that I’ve found your personal blog, I intend to follow your musings here. Chin up, kiddo. I know you’re strong. Hell, your strength is all I know of you.

    • Heh… well, thanks for coming by Shiku. 🙂 Good to see you again outside of MxO. He changed, I can’t say I didn’t entirely expect this, but it still sucks. Next time he sees me… well… he’s getting one cold reception.

      He didn’t even call me to apologize, so I’m pretty certain he doesn’t care. Not like he lost my number.

      • What a douche. >:@ Can I hit him?

  9. Been reading your Massively articles for a while and thought “Hey why not jump over and check out her blog!” This is the first thing I ever read about you outside of Massively, and all I could think was:
    a) Holy shit she is rad.
    b) I just used the term “rad.”
    c) Your friend is going to have to live with that the rest of his life, especially if he loses you as a friend over it. What a stupid thing to write. Honestly, a true friend would have taken the $50 and beaten the other person’s ass.

    If you ever need a hunting buddy in Millennium City, look me up! @misterorff.

    Keep up the good work!

    • Hey, thanks for jumping over to my blog and paying a visit! Much appreciated! ^_^

      And lol, you said rad. 😀

      Next time in Millennium City, I’ll give you a lookup. 😀

  10. But you are a lesbian, right? If you are female inside, in your brain, and you are attracted to other females, you are in fact a lesbian. But then again I guess “fag” is more of a hate word and used mostly for males, so that’s probably not what was meant.

    Unfortunately people only seem to let me down most of the time too. I try to give people new chances, and they just burn me again. It still hurts every time, despite my ever declining respect and hopes for the human race.

    It’s more than just the 50 bucks. Obviously someone was talking with him about the situation and they were speaking together about you if he was dared to write that. I don’t want to make you feel worse, but I’m guessing there was stupid giggling and things involved that morons often do before someone dared him to do it. He had already betrayed your trust and been disloyal before he ever wrote it I’m guessing. Again I’m sorry, I just am trying to be honest about what I’d guess about it.

    I have been hurt too easy for years and let words really affect me too. I wish I didn’t, I wish I was stronger inside and could feel something else even if it was anger, but I just simply get sad and cry.

    Some people are confused and threatened by their own feelings and wishes, and lashing out at others is their way of dealing with their own inner confusion. Maybe that’s not his story, but it may very well be the story of the one who “dared” him to do it.

    Maybe, just maybe he really thought you wouldn’t care. It’s so hard to guess, but if you’ve known each other that long, it’s possible he actually truly believed in his heart that it wasn’t something that was going to hurt you.

    Anyway I’ll shut up now. Speculation isn’t really helping.

    • I mean, yeah, I am a lesbian, as I do certainly enjoy the company of women. Although the whole issue of transsexuals being gay hurts my head, because are they gay if they get the scientific alterations and date/marry a man, or are they gay if they date/marry a woman? I, honestly, don’t care either way, and I like to leave it at that, lol.

      And, perhaps he truly believed it wouldn’t hurt me, but it wasn’t the words, it was the fact that he kinda sold me out. It’s not the first time, and frankly we were growing apart as friends as he was making decisions I didn’t necessarily agree with or understand (but I went with them because he was my friend and he was happy and I wanted to support that) but then this happened and it was just a nail in the cofffin.

      And yeah, trust me, I’m 100% sure there was stupid giggling. You’re certainly right in your speculation there, although I wish you and I weren’t.

      Oh well… it’s past, and life marches onwards.

  11. Hey Sera! I am a big fan of your posts at Massively and every now and then i’ve read some stuff in this blog. 🙂
    I just want to congratulate you for the strength you have shown and by writing about such an unusual and hot topic in a gaming site in a fantastic and touching way. I also learned something new because i honestly didn’t knew that there were transgenders that still prefer the opposite sex to the original sex of the individual.
    As for that “friend” it seems that all the trust you had on the guy was totally misplaced. If he made a bet of 50$ i bet with you this wasn’t the first time he spoke about this with other people, and by doing that bet it’s fair to assume that it wasn’t in flatering terms… :/
    I believe that everyone in life has passed by situations where someone really dear to you simply betrays all the trust you have on them. I’ve been in situations like that often and trust me that you will develop a thick skin. Unfortunately i have became way more cynic and simply lost a lot of faith in people. Just don’t let your self get affected by this and always believe in yourself.

    • Hey Pedro, thanks for coming over and reading!

      Yeah, I still prefer the original opposite sex… although just saying that confuses the heck out of me, lol. For the benefit of my friends, I like to joke that, “I love women so much I want to be one.” Lol. It’s a silly and no-so-accurate way to put it, but I think it’s worth saying to get a smile on people’s faces.

      But, yes, it seems my trust had been misplaced. However, I really believe when I put my trust in him back so long ago, I made the right decision. Before he was like this, he was a really great and honest guy. A guy who would do anything for you — you know? And I’d do anything right back for him. We were tight, and he was a really good friend to myself and my family.

      Nowadays, he’s changed. I’ve seen it, and I really felt bad. We were growing apart, becoming distant, as he followed his direction and I followed mine. However, people in my past haven’t forgotten me (apparently) and have seen fit to spit on my name. I wish that wasn’t the case, and I wish they too could move on with their lives and rise above such petty things, but apparently they cannot and now my former best friend has been sucked in with them.

      It sucks, it really does. I forgive them for the things that they may say about me, and I can only hope that they can learn to rise above such petty things. The act in and of itself didn’t hurt me — it’s just the loss of my friend that I’m still unhappy with. But… time marches on, right?

  12. Wow just wow, this is my first day on your blog I have been on massively for quite some time and as another commenter said I wanted to check out your blog as I really enjoy the realness of them on massively. That being said I was completely in awe with this post. I mean damn, you were so fucking real revealing this about yourself. I too am a lesbian gamer(yuuupee we exist) but unlike you I don’t identity myself as transgendered as I was born intersex AIS(Androgen Insensitivity syndrome) to be specific. From childhood I knew I was always different but hey is that neccesarity a bad thing? I mean, we always preach to each other about being an individual and not catering to the norm. Are individuality is what makes us who we are. FUCK THE HATERS! FUCK THE IGNORANT! FUCK THE BIGOTED ASSHOLES(INCLUDING YOUR SUPPOSEDLY BFF)! They are not worth your anguish and pain because they will NEVER know what people like us go through. Out there is someone just with our same story going through the same thing, this post and others like it could had saved their life with your sheer strength to make something so personal, so public. Thank you Seraphina you certainly made my day. I am now officially your biggest supporter.

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